The Inner Workings of a Complicated Closet
by aa cohen
Summary: The repressed turmoil a character faces. A short story.


He laid in bed, his eyes wide open staring into the still darkness of his bedroom. Next to him, his wife of a year lay motionless, her calm, steady breathing gave evidence that she was in a deep sleep.

He hadn't slept in months. Everyday his life seemed to get more complicated as his secret constantly drove him mad. Everyday he harbored his life, watched his mouth, constantly controlled his actions- he had to go to every extreme to hide himself. His secret brewed inside him silently, but lately it was beginning to boil, threatening to splatter and destroy the life he had tried so hard to protect for so long. The more he kept quiet however, the harder it became to drag his untold life from day to day.

He rolled out of bed and walked quietly out of his bedroom, and proceeded to exit his apartment. He always went out to think late at night in the hallway, right in between the apartment he lived in with his wife, and the apartment of his best friend. He thought it was appropriate to sit right in between the two people who meant more to him than his own pathetic life, the two people causing him this inner dilemma. He changed that thought, no one caused this dilemma but himself.

He constantly sat out there and thought about the future- he couldn't see one, not clearly anyway. The future he could have with his wife was safe, easy, and very convenient, but he didn't want it, he didn't want to hurt her either. His other future, the one he only dreamed about, the one with his best friend, fascinated him. It excited him, it consumed him. However, it was unattainable, a mere dream that tantalized his soul and ate away at his heart.

He was split in two. He didn't want to hurt either of them. However, to continue to hide in his existing life, pretending and hiding for all eternity sent an icy chill down his spine, making his very soul go numb. On the other hand, the thought of risking it all, his life essentially, for the other life that he wanted so badly he couldn't even fathom the depths of it, terrified him so much that it made him want to slit his own throat.

He never questioned whether or not letting his secret be known was worth his life, because it was worth giving up everything he had, but he couldn't bare the thought of hurting the two people who he loved more than life itself. He couldn't do that to them, but at the same time, he couldn't keep doing this to himself. He was at the end of his rope with his constant inner turmoil.

He thought back to how he had gotten into this mess. He inwardly cursed himself at his stupidity. He had feelings for his best friend long before he had even started dating his wife. But what happened to his parents in childhood and the pressure of society in general had put him in such deep denial and fear that he refused to ever look at what having feelings for his male best friend could possible mean. Deep, deep down he always knew, but he stupidly thought he could suppress it, he even denied it before people even asked or assumed it. It is why he is so neurotic, it is why he avoids every serious conversation, or moment of silence. It is why he is the person he is. And he finally realized that he couldn't change that the moment he said 'I do' on his wedding day. The overwhelming guilt he had felt that day paralyzed his very soul.

He didn't want to hurt her, he couldn't hurt her. He remembered every moment with her, every kiss, every touch. It had all been driven by fear, confusion, and denial. He despised himself. He thought that she could fix him, but the longer he waited for that to happen, the deeper he sank into his hole of fear and guilt. It wasn't until he was so far down in his hole that he realized he couldn't be fixed, he couldn't be changed, unfortunately that realization came on his wedding day, the day he could no longer climb out of his hole and save himself. And he loved his wife, he really, truly did, but not the way she deserved. She deserved a husband who wasn't constantly wishing he could go back in time and take back every moment of their relationship. He had become his father, the man he had hated all his life. He hated himself.

His thoughts changed over to his best friend. He loved him, he loved him from the moment he moved in. Of course, he didn't realize that then. He remembered when they used to share an apartment together, his life was so much happier then. As he looked back on the time they lived together, he couldn't believe how he never noticed he was in love with his best friend. He paid all the bills, he constantly hugged him, and he was extremely depressed the entire time he moved out for that short period. How could he have not seen it? How could no one have seen it? It was so blatantly obvious. Of course, it didn't matter how obvious it was, nothing could ever come from it. Not then, not now. He was absolutely positive his friend would not feel the same way. He knew his friend loved him and would do anything for him, but that's where it stopped.

He got up from his spot in the hallway during the early morning hours before everyone else was up, and rejoined his wife in their bed. He didn't want anyone to know about his late night rendezvous he had with himself every night. Once everyone was up he sat at the breakfast table, sipping his orange juice and pretending to read the newspaper. He looked over at his wife and his best friend who sat on either side of him and wondered what would happen if he just told them his secret at that very moment. He grimaced at the thought. She would begin to cry most likely, and he would begin to beat the life out of him right there in the kitchen. No, his friend wouldn't do that, would he?

He mentally shook his head no. He couldn't say anything. She was expecting him to be her husband and to raise kids together. He was expecting him to be his best man at his wedding some day, not his boyfriend. He couldn't just ruin everyone else's life, but what about his life? This wasn't fair for him- shouldn't it be fair for him as well? Why should he suffer? Why should he constantly put his own thoughts and feelings aside for them? Why should he have to live in denial while everyone else around him was happy?

"Because you love them," his mind shouted at him.

"But what if the situation was switched, would they open up and hurt you to satisfy their own needs?" another part of his mind questioned.

'It doesn't matter what they would do.'

He had always heard the saying 'look out for yourself, because no one else will do it for you,' but he never believed that. His whole life he always found himself looking out and worrying for the well being of other people, particularly his friends, before he would look out for himself.

He then thought to himself, "If they're my friends, and they love me, and want me to be happy, won't they understand?"

"They may understand but they won't be happy."

"But will I be happier because I said something, and I'm no longer living a lie? They'll get used to it over time"

"But things will never be the same. At the same time, you could lose everything. Your friend will act differently around you even if he doesn't get angry, and your wife will be devastated. Do you really want to be the cause of that?"

"No, no I don't."

He finished up his orange juice, and folded up his newspaper as he looked back and forth at the smiling faces of his best friend and his wife. The mere thought of inflicting pain in anyway on those two faces hurt him just as much as the everyday pain he felt as he struggled with himself over what to do about his situation. He could never hurt them like that, no matter how much it hurt himself.

He would never let them know his secret, no one would ever know his secret. He made that resolution to himself as he got up and put his empty glass in the sink.

Every morning he made that same resolution, and every night he ended up back in that hallway contemplating his pathetic existence.


End file.
